just_one_more_paige's reviews
1457 reviews

adventurous dark tense medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? No
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

5.0

Look, I have been delaying writing this review - it's been over a week since I finished it - because I am so unconfident in my ability to do it, and my feelings about it, justice. Immediately after finishing, I waxed poetic about it enough that my partner now has it on his bedside table, planning to read it (which rarely happens...this novel is an example of a perfectly placed slice of our overlapping interests). And I wish someone had recorded what I said in that monologue, becasue I am struggling to (re)find the right words (or even those long-winded, but at least remotely representative, words) now. But, as I'm me, I'm going to try anyways.

Calling on Goodreads for the assist with this blurb: "All her life Kyr has trained for the day she can avenge the murder of planet Earth. Raised in the bowels of Gaea Station alongside the last scraps of humanity, she readies herself to face the Wisdom, the all-powerful, reality-shaping weapon that gave the Majoda their victory over humanity. They are what’s left. They are what must survive. Kyr is one of the best warriors of her generation, the sword of a dead planet. But when Command assigns her brother to certain death and relegates her to the nursery to bear sons until she dies trying, she knows she must take humanity’s revenge into her own hands. Alongside her brother’s brilliant but seditious friend and a lonely, captive alien, she escapes from everything she’s ever known into a universe far more complicated than she was taught and far more wondrous than she could have imagined."

This novel is one of the most absolutely fantastic things I've ever read. It is so unique and creative and nuanced, not in a general sense (this story of Earth and its people entering into a larger “space” community/governmental system has been told many times, it captures all imaginations), but in the details. The details, the path the story takes (and takes again, and then takes one more time), is completely its own. It took so many unexpected turns! Like, every time-bending jump involved both the obvious *and* twists that caught me unawares. There were so many subversions of what I expect from sci-fi (Tesh never shied away from making the hardest/ugliest calls) and yet it was also so clearly and recognizably what makes the genre a classic. I purposefully slowed down my reading of this to savor every moment.

And through it all there were a few themes that just hit, over and over and over. The cycle of violence is strong and present. And, of course and as always (because it's too unrealistic to not have a dystopian-tyle situation that doesn't highlight this), no matter what the situation and setting and time period, a woman's worth is always brought down to her ability to reproduce which is then (of course) never taken as seriously as other societal contributions, *despite( all supposed argument to the contrary. My god it’s depressing. Is a people/future worth the full loss of reproductive self/determination? Is anything worth that? Also, the trauma is...a lot. But I enjoyed the exploration of the way that everyone responds differently to it, made manifest on a scale so grand it’s honestly unimaginable (the destruction of Earth).

I loved Tesh's choice to make our MC, Kyr, mostly deeply unlikable...without excuse. And yes, as the story goes, she develops and learns and gets angry and decides to make herself different...and yet she never does dwell much in regret for who she was or the place that made her. It was pragmatic and unapologetic AF. That POV is not a popular one - not quite a hero, not quite a villian, just a product of an environment and a harsh coming of age - and the nuances with which Tesh wrote it were spectacular. By the end, I was both cheering for Kyr and still hesitant to trust her new presentation. What literary finesse. Many of the side characters get their own complex journeys and growth. I particularly loved-to-dislike, similar to Kyr herself, Ari and Cleo. And I appreciated what Max and Yisa brought to the development of the plot and Kyr herself, though they were less compelling to me, individually. This was definitely a novel carried by the less likable characters - the space they took up was large and loud - and I have always loved reading that style of character. And I really liked the way that, in every possible iteration of a life, Tesh made the core of a person that shines through - perseverance and evil/power-hungry will find their ways, no matter the individual circumstances or difference. A nice touch.

Let's see... I took a lot of random notes while reading and want to way all the things, but some don't really fit with anything else. So, I'm going to lump a bunch here. First, I had some real Ender's Game vibes, from the militaristic society of Gaea and the VR game-style training (and then the ways it's used later/beyond that). Though the brainwashing/cultishness in this book definitely takes the cake for "worse." Ooff. Gaea is what I imagine the world would be like if all the “math/science are all that matter” people won and there was no more space/funding for arts and literature - cold and heartless and uninspired. The world needs a bit of it all, to be full and meaningful. I am always here for sci-fi that is quality but not based on “real” science - that’s my sweet spot, I can just sink in and it’s not trying to hard to be believable, it just is (like great fantasy, which is my original comfort genre). The world-building was solid, even without Tesh burying the readers in all the specs on how the science worked, thankfully. (And actually, as she writes in the Acknowledgements/Afterwards, the shadowspace "science" is pretty much made-up, so no specs even exist. Lovely.) The way that the meaning of “we’re Earth’s children and while we live, the enemy will fear us” evolves over the course of the novel is super well done.

This felt, to me like the in-between of Martine's A Memory Called Empire and A Desolation Called Peace (which have similar intensity/seriousness vibes, with higher levels of technicality and world-building, but possibly less creative twists and more distant character development) and The Long Way to a Small, Angry Planet (which is softer/homier, and less intense on storyline, but similar space opera and science/world vibes). Oh, with a splash of the different world iterations from The Space Between Worlds and some similar vibes, though I can't quite put my finger on how, to The Vanished Birds. Along with Ender's Game, I would say they are not necessarily readalikes, but I'd recommend each to others who have enjoyed one of them already. Does that make any sense? Anyways...

I appreciate a view of humanity from the external like this, distilling things we think make us unique and special into elements that are hard to be proud of, heartbreaking truths that you don’t want to believe and would be easier to turn away from and ignore cognitive dissonance from, but are necessary to face head on, in order to recognize where we can/should work to be better. I’m always impressed with authors who can step outside and be observational like that and Tesh is exemplary on that front here. Overall, this was just an epic in three parts, spectacular and mind-bending and absolutely stellar (pun intended). I highly recommend this one.

While we live, the enemy shall fear us.

“Proving you were capable of saving the world didn’t mean you could, or that anyone would let you.”

“It is perhaps best to understand honor as operating optionally and on the individual level, while the authoritative driving forces of human military design work perpetually on the most ruthless calculus of cost and benefit.”

“A peace brought about with the threat of violence is only a war in waiting.”

“Kyr felt suddenly and forcefully the weight of legacy. [...] she owed her duty not to some abstract unknown planet but to the women who'd come before her.”

“What a waste it was, what a terrible waste, to take a person who dreamed cities and gardens and enormous shining skies and teach him that the only answer to an unanswerable suffering was slaughter.”

Content Warnings

Across the Green Grass Fields by Seanan McGuire

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adventurous hopeful fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

4.0

Oh this series...*sigh.* Even the ones like this, that I don't personally have as deep of a connection with (I have never been a horse person - in fact, I find them quite terrifying), still have a certain ring of truth and insight and childlike hope mixed with the bittersweetness of growing up, all wrapped in a magical fairy tale framework, that I just cannot help but love.

A quick blurb courtesy of Goodreads: "Regan loves, and is loved, though her school-friend situation has become complicated, of late. When she suddenly finds herself thrust through a doorway that asks her to "Be Sure" before swallowing her whole, Regan must learn to live in a world filled with centaurs, kelpies, and other magical equines―a world that expects its human visitors to step up and be heroes. But after embracing her time with the herd, Regan discovers that not all forms of heroism are equal, and not all quests are as they seem…"

Well, I already said in my little intro blurb, but this had everything that I love about the Every Heart a Doorway series. Even though I'm not into horses, I did love the breadth of horse-related and hooved mythological creatures that make appearances in these pages. Mythology is definitely the way to win me over. The classic fairy tale storytelling vibes and narrative voice are transporting AF, as I've come to expect and love from these books. And McGuire remains spectacular in her queer/LGBTQ+ representation. It's a bit less all-encompassing here, as this is the first novella in awhile that does not take place, at least in part, at Eleanor West's...so there was really only one MC, as opposed to a group. But our narrator here, Regan, begins her journey through her door and into the Hooflands after learning that she is intersex, and her adolescent experience with puberty will, therefore, look a bit different than her friends' more "typical" ones. I so rarely see intersex people represented in literature, and even more rarely as children/youth, so this is beautiful.

Outside of the normal coming-of-age themes that each of these stories centers, Across the Green Grass Fields tackles the nuances of childhood friendships, the social structures that frame what girls and/or boys should or should not do/enjoy, and how flouting those structures can be socially devastating. To that end, there are some difficult messages about friendship, the tough lessons about how siding with those whose friendship is conditional (against someone else) will eventually come around when you don't meet their conditions. My heart broke for Regan in that moment - despite it being a lesson she perhaps needed to learn, it doesn't make watching it happen any easier. As an opposing perspective, I loved seeing how being raised in a place without external expectations of what you “should” be (as a girl, as a human) is so liberating, and safe, and allows someone to become who they are based only on who they want to be. *deep sigh* How lovely. And again, for Regan, it was something she needed to learn through living it, but it was such a more uplifting sort of lesson to watch her learn. This lesson was bolstered by the way the hoofed peoples saw themselves and each other, highlighting the advantages and accepting the limitations of every type of horse. What a way to show how it could be that way for humans too. We are all different, but those differences make us strong in unique ways and joining them together (so each benefits from what the others bring to the table that they don’t have) is better for everyone, as opposed to silo-ing apart from each other based on said differences. Just, as always, phenomenal, necessary, and heart-filling messages.

The other primary theme was that of destiny: whether one's biology is one's destiny (IRL) and whether one must fulfill an expected "heroic" destiny (the Hooflands). Watching Regan realize that you can only hide for so long, that you eventually have to face your fear/secrets/nerves, is inspiring. it doesn't mean you have to face it the way people expect you to, but you do have to figure out how to face it for yourself. It was a simple, but lovely meditation on destiny - and breaking from it or living up to it in an unexpected way - and it played out with a twist that was small, but that I didn't see coming. It was a creative look at breaking cycles and coming to terms with oneself (and breaking from the “norm” as a result), with all the promise for the future mixed with the bittersweetness that is a hallmark of growing up (and of this series).

“…because some things spin from generation to generation, and never really change, no matter how much we wish they would.”

“Girlhood wasn’t destiny unless you wanted it to be.”

“Because it was tame, Regan could walk safely, without fear of meeting anything larger than a raccoon or deer. Because it had been wild, she still caught her breath when she heard something passing in the brush, when a branch snapped for no apparent reason. Such is the dichotomy of forests. Even the smallest remembers what it was to cover nations, and the shadows they contain will whisper that knowledge to anyone who listens.”

“I can be beautiful and limited at the same time. […] There’s nothing wrong with being limited, as long as you have people around to make sure those limitations don't get you hurt.”

“...both of them laughing with delight at the simple joy of being alive, and young, and together in a world that was better when not experienced in isolation.”

“The hills are heavy with the bones of would-be heroes.”

“Destiny wasn’t real. Destiny was for people like [...], who could pin everything they had to an idea that the world was supposed to work in a certain way, and refuse to let it change.”

“…an exception was always easier to grasp than a category…”

“She didn’t feel like a hero. She didn't feel like much of anything beyond an exhausted teenager. She still felt like she was saving the world.”

Content Warnings

Oye by Melissa Mogollon

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emotional funny medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

5.0

The blurb for this one promised telenovela levels of drama with a super-unique narrative style (a one-sided phone conversation). I mean, what more could a reader want? So, thanks to NetGalley for approving my request for the eArc.

Luciana is the baby of her Colombian American family. Her mother is always on her about her weight and planning for her future. Her sister (Mari) is away at college and, as it seems to Luciana, is leaving her family behind. Her grandmother (Abue), it turns out, is quite ill and has been either downplaying or hiding it. Oh, and she came out recently, but it seems like everyone is just going to be pretending that never happened. So, basically, Luciana is feeling alone, and overwhelmed, and as her grandmother gets worse and her sister get more distant and her mother's "help" isn't what she actually needs...she's facing down oncoming adulthood in formidable fashion.

Well, the little blurb that promised drama and originality was right. I have never read anything at all like this one-sided phone conversation narration and it was so incredibly creative and unique and compelling AF. It’s moving with speed and interest and it sucked me in so strongly, I couldn't have pulled out of the stream if I'd wanted to. Luciana’s voice - a sort of hypochondriac, low-key-out-but-not-really queer, second sibling with overbearing mother, senior year of high school and unsure of the future, Colombiana living in Florida vibes - is marvelously frantic. I loved the random connections/remembrances/stories, narrated in a stream of consciousness way on phone calls to fill her sister in on everything that's going on (in the recognizable way conversations between boisterous family members can be). It's like a Mrs. Dalloway for the modern day and I was totally here for it.

Thematically, this was such a fantastic view of the nuances of female family relationships - intergenerational and international and all dealing with complicated situations and emotions in such dramatically different ways. The sister dynamic is gorgeously authentic, flawed but still tender at heart. And the grandmother-granddaughter relationship (Luciana and Abue) was just spectacular. An absolute jewel of complexity and humanity and it did some very real things to my heart. And in all cases, as we do in real life, each woman does not always seeing how each other is handling it as “legitimate” or "correct," especially our narrator, whose perspective we have the most insight into, as she is drowning in fear and grief and confusion, over her sisters distance and mother's overbearance and grandmother's illness and her own future and identity (and inability to openly acknowledge it), and feels so alone with it all. Luciana's voice is one that will resonate will many readers; it certainly did with me.

Finally, the plot was absolutely hella telenovela-y. The twists and turns of Abue's story about her youth/family were so melodramatic, so good. And it self-recognized the melodrama, which I extra appreciate. Just, incredibly entertaining. Overall, this was just a phenomenal coming of age. For a narrative style choice like this, the nuance of character development for all these women is stunningly full. And it was truly great as an audiobook (shoutout to the passionate voice acting).

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Hidden Valley Road: Inside the Mind of an American Family by Robert Kolker

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informative reflective medium-paced

4.0

Well, this one has been chillin' on my TBR shelf for years now, waiting for its moment. I was really feeling a sort of narrative nonfiction, a la Patrick Radden Keefe (Empire of Pain, Rogues), and during a month in which I led quite a few Mental Health First Aid trainings with work, this felt like exactly the right mix of my current professional vibes and my reading mood. As always, I listened to the audiobook - my absolute preferred way to intake nonfiction works.

From 1945 to 1965, Mimi and Don Galvin had no less than 12 children. By the mid 70s, six of them had been diagnosed with schizophrenia. In this book, Robert Kolker weaves together the story of the Galvin family, the history of mental health and mental illness care, and specifically the evolution of thought surrounding schizophrenia (causes, treatment, etc.) through the eyes of this family's experiences and their contributions to the National Institute of Mental Health's studies.

This was truly a fascinating read. The research, both into the greater world of mental illness and into the Galvin family directly, through access to medical records and in conversation with members of the Galvin family and (close) friends, was clearly well detailed and thorough. It truly was in line with the works by Radden Keefe that I mentioned above, if slightly more narratively dense. Kolker really delved deeply into this family, and we got to see in so much detail and clarity the way that each child dealt with and responded to and came to terms with (or not) this childhood environment. And for each, we watched as questions of nature vs nurture were asked and played out, affecting not just their mental health as far as schizophrenia is concerned, but also more generally, with how they made choices for the rest of their lives too (both those diagnosed and those who were caregivers). As far as the industry aspects, the discourse around that same question of nature vs nurture in an academic/medical setting was so interesting to read, and felt more immediate when communicated alongside the Galvins' stories. I learned so much, and also had my heart broken over and over watching "money-making capacity" be the largest influence in the pharma (and sometimes overall medical) industry, as opposed to the benefit and betterment and care of patients as people. And even when the person, the patient, was centered, the best knowledge/efforts were often still not enough.

On the whole, the one dynamic that I felt like was missing was a little more reflection on socioeconomic and racial aspects. How these same choices and situations faced by the Galvins might have/did look differently for those living with less privilege, *especially* considering how many laws and rules these boys broke growing up (and not just “basic” ones). I mean, I understand how much the diagnoses played a role in that behavior, but there is no way that interactions with law enforcement would have looked the same for BIPOC, queer or less socially connected people. With how deeply the rest of the medical knowledge and time period environment was considered, not having (really any) acknowledgement of privilege was noticeable. At the same time, I do want to say: what a necessary general indictment of mental health services, that even with all those intangible privileges, these sick people came into contact with law enforcement so often as their only contact with state “assistance” and response, when they really needed medical care (and don’t even get me started on what that “medical care” looked like when they finally got it).

A final thought... I really appreciated the sensitive and understanding look at the human costs of all this on each family member - acknowledging that their choices were all the best ones they knew how to or were empowered to make - under the circumstances - for their own survival. There is a beautiful and equally necessary kindness and compassion and humane-ness in that method of "telling" this story, that not all (not even most) people dealing with or caring for those with mental illness get. What an engaging reading experience.

“Life is merely the permanent roots your family knots around you.”

Content Warnings

People Collide by Isle McElroy

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emotional mysterious reflective slow-paced

Plot- or character-driven? Character
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? It's complicated
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

4.0

I would never have heard of, nor picked this up, without Libro.fm; so, shoutout to them for the ALC. Because this is also the kind of book that I do really need an audio for - really good, but also really philosophical - so it was the perfect book to listen to. Plus, for real I mean that shoutout, because it seriously was very good.

So, according to Goodreads: "When Eli leaves the cramped Bulgarian apartment he shares with Elizabeth, his more organized and successful wife, he discovers that he now inhabits her body. Not only have he and his wife traded bodies but Elizabeth, living as Eli, has disappeared without a trace. What follows is Eli’s search across Europe to America for his missing wife—and a roving, no-holds-barred exploration of gender and embodied experience. ...This novel is a gender-bending, body-switching novel that explores marriage, identity, and sex, and raises profound questions about the nature of true partnership."

And that is exactly what we got. But also, it's more and less than that. This is one of those novels where, other than the big obvious thing (the body-switching), nothing really happens. And honestly, even that is...mundane...for what it is. And yet, the depth of what we discover about humanity and personhood and being is so much. The observations in these pages about what makes a person - their body and/or all the thoughts and mannerisms that come with it - as well as the differences in how each person relates with those around them, even those with, externally/perception-wise, so much else in common (being US expats, being married to each other, etc.) and how that changes for acquaintances versus closer relations versus oneself and the body one resides in...it was incredible. Similarly, the many different looks at being foreign/an outsider: in a body, as a family member/child, in another country as an expat or a tourist, were woven together with literary finesse. How hard you have to think to act/be someone you aren’t was a fascinating exploration. Like, how you can know a person better than anyone else knows them and still not have any idea what their life experience is or how to *be* them. I had never considered anything like it before, and what a wild thought journey it was. Honestly, this entire read was a remarkable philosophical exercise and theoretical exploration.

And then it was all flipped on its head a bit, in the end, as it closed with a switch to a parental perspective. A super interesting comparative move - an external examination of what, until then, had been internal. I don't know if I liked it, but I don't know if this is even a book I can label as "liked" or "disliked," as it was all so unique and original.

Eli, as the primary narrator, had a strange level of acceptance of other people’s negative opinions of him - how he acted, spoke, dressed, etc. - even and especially the bad ones, without any kind of argument or explanation in his own behalf (like: "they were right to be nervous around my disheveled appearance" or "she was right that I had less ambition/skill than her"). And isn’t that a sad level of influence from others and what society says is “better” or “right” on our own self worth, that we accept what we think we deserve without a fight. I found those pieces really heartbreaking to read. On this same topic, in addition to all the other out of body experiences in these pages, what a truly savage one, to hear someone talk about you unguarded, to hear their unfiltered opinions about you, because you aren't there to hear them. Phew. Intense.

The writing style, a described-in-sweeping-generalizations (with details but not always individually detailed...that's not quite right, but I don't even know how else to describe this observational literary style) account of these characters, of lifestyle/parenting/love, is satirical language in all aspects. And I enjoyed the bit of tongue in cheek it brought. It's smart and observational and honestly a bit, surprisingly, funny (but in a literary way, reminiscent of Big Swiss or The Pisces).

Overall, just a fascinating juxtaposition of how we see ourselves and what we actually are, the type of exploration that is our self-perception and the way others perceive us, and how those so rarely line up. What an unbelievable writing accomplishment. It’s gorgeous, insightful, and so smart. Not my usual fare, and I’m not switching to this genre (whatever it is) as a new favorite or anything, but dang, I’m glad I read this. Impressive.

"People collide. They bounce away after collisions, or veer away to avoid those collisions, creating lives accidentally. Circumstances pinball people together. This is called fate because chance is too scary a word. People collide. People collide."

“Perhaps neither of us was equipped to see themself.”

“Being at the center of something enormous often means you’re the last person to make sense of what happened. Understanding is for outsiders.”

“...and I had, naively, considered these tragedies proof of America's uniquely wicked society. What an insidious form of exceptionalism. Terror was universal. Trigger-happy men existed all over the world, ready to sublimate fear into murder.” (the exceptionalism of us being the only violent/fear based western nation is ridiculous, and I don't want that to be as comforting as it feels, because that's definitely the wrong takeaway message)

“But grief never proceeds how anyone expects. Grief stutters and ruptures and upturns and stomps.”

“Stability is the cost of stability.”

“How empty ambition renders a person.”

Content Warnings

Dark Restraint by Katee Robert

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adventurous dark emotional fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

3.0

“It’s a lot easier to kill people than it is to keep them alive.”

I'll be honest - this one wasn't my favorite of the series. Actually, so far, it might be my least favorite. Not to say that it was bad, necessarily. But after the last few, which I personally thought were so much better, possibly due to my preference for the poly situations, this one maybe fell a little extra flat. Also, over the last few books, the Minotaur was set up as *so* cruel and inhuman, that I’m struggling to come around to him as a real “person” here; it's making it harder to buy in. Worth noting though, once we get a little more of the backstory on how/when Ariadne and Asterion met, and how long this little flame was just barely alive and they way they are actually so many of each others firsts (literally and in spirit), is actually sweet and tender AF (even if there is some questionable consent early on). And the spicy here was as strong as ever, as anticipated and expected at this point, though it too wasn't my favorite flavor. Overall, this felt much more like a "move the story arc forward, with a romance that is just convenient to that" novel. And that's ok, because it *did* move the plot forward really well; it moved the bigger story arc into the next steps, which has really needed to happen.

Finale note: I enjoyed the setup for it that we got here for the next one, which I am *much more* hype for. Ready for it!

Content Warnings

How to End a Love Story by Yulin Kuang

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emotional hopeful medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

4.0

“You don’t have to be completely healed to be everything I want.”

I was looking for an easy listen for a long road trip and this seemed to fit the bill. Shoutout to Libro.fm for the ALC. And to my partner who picked it off a shelf at a bookstore and joked "How to end a love story? Murrrdeerrrrrrr." (said a la Gus from Psych, iykyk) ...and then consented to stand and pose with the book when I told him I was planning to read it and would need a photo for the review.

Quick synopsis for this one: Helen and Grant haven't seen each other once since the accident over ten years before that changed both their lives forever. But now, Grant is one of the lead screenwriters for the tv series adaptation of Helen's best-selling YA series. Their coworking starts (unstandable) rocky, but over time, the two grow close - supporting each other in ways they have rarely found from anyone else, through their shared (or at least tangential) experiences of trauma and grief and maybe even a little (finally) processing of it all. But there's no way, with a past like theirs, and no chance of Helen's parents ever forgiving Grant, that it can ever turn into anything permanent. It'll just hurt them more to force it, right? Or, can helping each other make peace with that past and move on only happen together?

Well, I enjoyed this one. I didn't know what the accident was prior to starting reading, and it ended up being a much more intense (in general and emotionally, for me) situation than I'd been anticipating. Maybe you already know what it is, but if not, I don't want to spoil it. Though, I will say, please read content warnings for this, because there are a number of aspects of said accident and the aftermath that could be difficult to read, depending on your own life experiences. Anyways, as a romance novel, I was assuming it would be something reasonably minor, that could be "gotten over" quickly and then the focus would shift fully to the romance. But no: this accident was a huge deal, legitimately life-changing (really, potentially shattering) for both Helen and Grant. And it was woven in fully and completely throughout every part of this novel. As such, it was, I felt, incredibly nuanced. And made for a much more profound read. My emotional swings were all over the place while reading, as Grant and Helen's clearly were while living it, and that made for a really impactful literary experience. I am really impressed with the way Kuang balanced such breadth, while maintaining the quick, smooth pacing of a romance novel. And spice! Because while the slow tension build is genuine and sooooo good, when we finally get to them, the spicy scenes delivereddddd.

One of the highlights of this book, for me, was the character development. Every aspect of Grant and Helen, individually and together, was thorough and felt real. There was so much low self-esteem and second-guessing and social self-consciousness and (absolutely opposite, but not particularly healthy) coping mechanisms... It did get to be a lot to read at a few points, but it also always made sense within the greater story. And its presence was also part of, and necessary for, the overall wonderful and complex emotional development. I know there is a chance that a relationship that grows out of shared trauma can be unhealthy, but also, I love the hope in the way that Kuang chose to write/see it. Maybe Grant and Helen found the one and single person with whom they could fully process their trauma alongside, but only within the framing of the distance of time....of course, none of this would have been possible in the same way when they were teens, in the immediate aftermath. And they did each get some space to heal separately as well - especially Helen. Deciding that the other was worth working through their own challenges, making the effort to finally process and come to terms (to forgive and/or be forgiven), was spurred specifically by the realization that wanting to be with the other, free from that shadow of that shared past, was worth it. They each may have continued to coast through life - fine and successful, but never a "best life" - but they gave each other a reason to want/grow towards more. And I wish that for everyone, however and with whoever they can find it. So yea, this was a more emotionally difficult romance than normal, but the finale meant more as a result.

Helen's complicated relationship with her parents was also written spectacularly. Kuang layered generational differences, cultural pieces, overbearing presences (and the resulting passive aggressive distancing that results), immigrant/first gen narratives, and loss/grief together with a deft touch. It walked the same line as the rest of the story, as far as being genuine and affecting, but also straightforward/easy enough to fit the romance genre (similar to how The Verifiers walked that line as a mystery novel).

I also really liked the framework of the YA novel adaptation and screenwriting storyline. It felt very salient to IRL books and tv right now. And, while I know nothing about this process, so it could be inaccurate AF, it gave some timelines and ultimatum dates and reasons for this "reunion" to be possible that felt absolutely natural and unforced (a sort of miracle, IMO, for romance novels). Plus, as a reader, I always have a soft spot for when readers/writers get to be MCs in ways that feel authentic. The multiple ways that writing and screen-writing made it into the style and storytelling was smooth and fun.

So yea, I felt like this novel was the perfect mix of hot and sweet, sexy and homey/comforting, and emotional ups and downs. On the more intense end of the romance spectrum, but still solidly in that genre. I would definitely recommend it.

Content Warnings

You Should Be So Lucky by Cat Sebastian

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emotional hopeful reflective medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

5.0

I read, and LOVED Sebastian's first novel in this "series," We Could Be So Good, last year. It was one of my favs of the year. So, while I thought I was done with baseball romances for a while after The Prospects (which was amazing, but just, baseball is not my preferred sport/pastime), the publication of this one said otherwise. And I'm glad I overcame my baseball hesitancy because Sebastian hit this one out of the park (see what I did there? *elbow, elbow*).

It's 1960 and it's setting up to be a terrible baseball season for Eddie O’Leary. He's offended his new teammates and coaches, he can't settle in NYC because he's homesick for the midwest, and he's (maybe, probably) in a hitting slump. When the owner orders him to give a bunch of interviews to some snobby reporter, he’d rather do anything else, but it doesn't seem like he has much of a choice. Mark Bailey is not a sports reporter. In fact, these days, he's barely a writer at all. He’s had a difficult and lonely year, mourning the death of his partner (privately, since they were able to be public about their love). But maybe writing about the (terrible) New York Robin’s obnoxious new shortstop can both get the struggling newspaper more readers and distract him somewhat? Finding themselves mostly alone, but now together in that, Eddie and Mark slowly realize, and give in to, the attraction and connection growing between them. But with laws and society against them, can they find a way to be together - open enough for Mark and subtle enough for Eddie - that works for them both?

Yes. Just, yes. I don't really have a lot of interest in this time period nor in the primary topics (probability/slumps, baseball as a metaphor for life), but Sebastian made me care. First, it's the fantastic historical fiction setting development; NYC in the 60s comes alive in her hands. Second, it's the characters; at only like 40 pages in, I already had soft spots for both Mark and Eddie. How is it possible that Sebastian can do that? I didn’t even really know them yet! Then, as I got to know them better, their development was just as good as the setting. They were full and nuanced, sweet and spiky, wholesome and flawed, each in their own ways. And those ways, in particular Mark’s prickly fearful love and Eddie’s earnest openness, were the literal perfect match for each other. The push and pull between them was so good. Delicious, really. The growing care is tender AF and I could not get enough of it (this was a highlight of We Could Be So Good too, so that's apparently a vibe that Sebastian has on lock). And the fact that they have to be so careful to hide something so tender is heartbreaking. The bittersweetness of that tears me upppppp. And the fact that it's all so unnecessarily heartbreaking - like, just let people love! - makes it all that much more emotionally devastating.

A few other aspects that stood out to me included a really nice acknowledgement of the ways that the queer community received support from allies in the time period. Things were different, yet the importance of those allies, how they communicated and made themselves known and offered what assistance/cover/misdirection they could, was touching. This was explored in conjunction/comparison with racial discrimination, the ways each population was oppressed similarly and differently, and how allyship looked similar and different between them. And while I obviously have no direct experience, nor done my own research, I felt like the picture Sebastian painted conveyed the frustrating and enraging aspects of each, while also highlighting the ways that the human spirit still found ways to rise past/around that. On the other hand, oooof most of these teammates are so dang petty and dramatic...and people think that’s what (only) women are like. Please. Ugh. No wonder unaddressed mental health challenges and unhealthy coping mechanisms abounded.

Against my expectations, I also did find the reflection on luck, and how sometimes bad things happen with no reason or not "within a bigger picture" - they just...are - but you can also still get past it, to be fascinating. Often, a higher power is used to explain these unexplainable bad things, but that has never worked for me (if someone could stop these bad things from happening, why wouldn't they just do that? Why do we have to learn resilience and recovery if we could ensure not needing it?) This consideration of it, using the most superstitious and statistical sport as a backdrop story for the discussion on the inevitability of failure (and coming to terms and being ok with that), was really high quality literary juxtaposition that appealed to my atheist self.

Overall, another banger of a recent historical queer romance from Sebastian. I loved the pacing, the dialogue (oh goodness was the dialogue great), the setting, the cameos from Nick and Andy (my heart smiled big during those), the story development, and, especially, Eddie and Mark. Their ending got me, in all my feels. The heart-filling hope and warmth and affection. I could not love them more.

“Sometimes when bad things happen to you, it’s just because the dice get rolled a certain way. He finds that almost impossible to believe about himself, but would fight anyone who even suggested that [other people] were anything but blameless.” (but for real tho…)

“But maybe it was just a bad thing that happened […] But […] even after a disaster, there’s still tomorrow.”

“I’m not saying things happen for a reason – I hate that. I’m saying that things happen. And it doesn’t have to mean anything except what it means to you. Nobody else gets to decide.”

“He wants to believe in the possibility of a second act.”

“He feels like every part of him is wrapped around Eddie, like they’re tangled up in something dangerous and lovely and terribly, terribly precious.” (anddddd there goes my heart, a puddle)

“They both know you can be happy and afraid all at once; maybe that’s easier to do when you aren’t alone.”

Content Warnings

Anita de Monte Laughs Last by Xochitl Gonzalez

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challenging emotional mysterious reflective medium-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? It's complicated
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

4.0

González's first book, Olga Dies Dreaming, was so good - I read it right after it came out a couple years ago and loved it. So I was really excited for this sophomore novel.
Goodreads does a great job with this blurb, so I'm just gonna copy it over here and save myself some effort: In 1985, Anita de Monte, a rising star in the art world, is found dead in New York City; her tragic death is the talk of the town. Until it isn’t. By 1998 Anita’s name has been all but forgotten—certainly by the time Raquel, a third-year art history student is preparing her final thesis. On College Hill, surrounded by privileged students whose futures are already paved out for them, Raquel feels like an outsider. Students of color, like her, are the minority there, and the pressure to work twice as hard for the same opportunities is no secret. But when Raquel becomes romantically involved with a well-connected older art student, she finds herself unexpectedly rising up the social ranks. As she attempts to straddle both worlds, she stumbles upon Anita’s story, raising questions about the dynamics of her own relationship, which eerily mirrors that of the forgotten artist.

First, I listened to the audiobook for this and it was one of the most dramatically narrated audiobooks I have ever experienced. These narrators gave it all their effort and acting, which was such an immersive experience (though did involve a lot of volume adjustments, as things got heated and voices raised...which happened quite often).

As to the story as a whole, I am partial to Olga, if I'm being honest. However, this was still *really* good. I honestly think the primary reason is that the very real, as in emotionally intense, aspects of this one were harder hitting to me personally. Both novels do a fantastic job of creating an entertaining and enjoyable story, balanced with diverse and interesting plot, great - and varied - character development (of note here: I love how some characters were exactly as bad as expected, and some were able to surprise you with their willingness to consider a challenged POV...that is a large part of what made this story and these characters more than just caricatures, what made it truly compelling), and a heavy dose of salient social (justice) commentary. This one though, had me mired in dread for about two thirds of the total reading experience. The train wrecks of these relationships, the patterns of manipulation and abuse and gaslighting are hard to read. Raquel’s sections were especially difficult, claustrophobic, to read. So, shout out to González for writing that was that palpable. But also, warning to other potential readers if that is content that is tough for you.

One of the major themes of this novel was the straddling of worlds, as it were: the parallel of being caught between the US and Cuba, for Anita, and between socioeconomic statuses, for Raquel. (Of particular note, Raquel’s difficulties with the social lines of respect and casual-ness with her professor, lines that seemed to come so easily to those from a different social background, was a quietly done but spectacular example of the intangibles of privilege. And in the end, as she finds that comfort for herself, we see that it's born out of self-confidence, with a strong and important commentary about how that self-confidence is harder to come by/maintain based on social messages about your worth that you receive as the norm.) Both were struggling to figure out how to follow their own passions and live their own lives, even when their past says that makes them traitors/“changed,” and the current day questions whether they deserve to be there or if following their interests/heart makes them “taking advantage of” the partner’s wealth/access. There is no winning, really. And if you aren’t steadfast in who you are/what you want, it’s so easy to lose yourself in that push-pull. Watching both Anita and Raquel live through this, even with a generation of change between them, is so frustrating and heartbreaking. Especially in light of another major theme of the novel: the power of visibility for art and artists - who is allowed to have access to that audience and who controls it and creates barriers to it. Perhaps, if Anita's name and work had been given space and allowed to stand in the public eye, then Raquel wouldn't have had to feel as alone as she did.

To start, I felt like these parallel women and stories as a stylistic device seemed obvious. But as the story unfolded, the depth of the women and their stories, the emotional intensity of their narratives, separately and in juxtaposition with each other, had me invested. So, obvious it may have been, but it was skillfully enough done that I was riveted. And there were elements that weren't anticipated, and they were enough for me to keep this story unique. In particular, the way González conveyed the power of loneliness and thinking/hoping things would be different next time, the need to matter to someone, thoroughly touched my heart. I also really enjoyed the messaging about the way our identity and culture and upbringing can influence both our art and the way we see others’ art. It's so important that we not dismiss or ignore or not consider that, for ourselves or others. Art and the artist - and the viewer - cannot be separated or considered in silos, not if we're being honest.

Finally, I liked the little bonus of unexpected elements of the mystical. That was, as I said, not something I'd anticipated, but it was one of the unique aspects of this novel that gave it a little something extra. I'm very much now hoping to be able to come back as a bat and antagonize any haters. Lol. But seriously, this was a great read. Some relationship drama, some social commentary, some mystery/thriller, a lot of art and music, and a splash of the paranormal and well-deserved comeuppance (Anita really did get the last laugh). Page-turning all the way through.

“…and remind herself that she was not the first to walk this path, nor would she be the last. Nor would either of them be forgotten.”

Content Warnings

Crushing It by Erin Becker

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adventurous emotional hopeful reflective fast-paced

Plot- or character-driven? A mix
Strong character development? Yes
Loveable characters? Yes
Diverse cast of characters? Yes
Flaws of characters a main focus? It's complicated

4.0

As you may have noticed, I don't reward a lot of middle grade/chapter books. Every once in awhile I'll pick one up, and I'm usually impressed (see Other Words for Home), but it's just not a primary reading type for me. However, a few weeks ago, Erin Becker (who I met while at undergrad at UNC) reached out about her debut novel coming out shortly, this novel, and asked if I'd be willing to review it. Well, if you follow me at all, you'll know I just recently posted about Cleat Cute, which I picked up because it was sapphic and soccer-themed, two things very close to my heart. Well, this book had those same primary themes (plus a few others), so, naturally, I decided I had to give it a try.

*An early e-version of this book was provided to me in exchange for a review. The thoughts/comments in this review are entirely my own honest opinions.*

Quick synopsis: Mel and Tory used to be best friends, but a falling out last year changed that. Nw, even though they still play together on the same soccer team, and are in the same classes at school, things just aren't the same. And they could really use the support, with everything they're dealing with. Mel isn't sure she's cut out to be captain, is struggling with nerves over a class presentation, and isn't sure she has anyone she can tell (other than her anonymous text-friend) about the poetry she's been working on. Tory may be outwardly put together, but inside, she's falling apart, as her mother's focus on crafts and her new husband doesn't seem to leave any time for Tory, and she doesn't feel like she has anyone she can confide in (other than her secret text-friend) about liking girls. As the end of the school year looms, with soccer championships and school president elections on the line, Mel and Tory have to figure out how to deal with everything from family problems to friendship changes to soccer field dynamics to their feelings in a real life way, beyond their online conversations.

To start, I was a little worried because, while the issues and internal understanding of themselves and social-emotional puberty changes are spot on for Mel and Tory's 8th grade selves, the narrative voice felt a bit young/childish for that. It was solid, but I wanted them to be in like, 6th grade, not 8th, based on the writing (and, though my own health education work with middle schoolers, how they usually sound to me). However, as I got farther into the novel, the writing got better and more mature. I think perhaps it was just the intro chapters, the "getting to know the characters" basics, that came across more childish. And once I settled into the writing and age, my reading experience smoothed out considerably.

The story itself was tender and delightful. So many very real youth situations found their way into these pages - school and family and friends and sport and extracurricular pressure and expectation and sometimes forgetfulness/leaving behind - and I found it so easy to remember and empathize with Tory and Mel. Middle school is a time of so many changes, and trying to figure them all out, while also discovering yourself, is such a unique and complex journey for everyone. We saw two very different, individual realities for Tory and Mel as they went through this for themselves, but the universality of change was displayed so well.

I particularly loved these relationship situations between/amongst friends (and maybe more than friends?): the complications of things getting more nuanced as one gets older, working to “hold two opposing ideas” at the same time (in their feelings for other people and in their understanding of themselves and the passions/interests they can have), is such a gorgeous message/lesson that all young people have to learn. It's explained in such a clear and relatable way for young readers here. Another highlight for me was the sibling relationships for both Mel and Tory. They both have that mix of exasperation and annoyance and support and mutual jealousy/sadness that comes out as meanness, but also the pure excitement when the other one does something brave. I am always a softie for great, realistic sibling relationships and Becker delivered that here. And of course, the relationship between Tori and Mel - both of them realizing how they actually feel about each other and taking a chance with honesty about it - is so brave and heartwarming. Their little ice cream date to close the book was simply adorbs.

While the closing was, potentially, a bit overly sweet, the happy ending fits the vibe of the storytelling. Plus, it's middle grade, so, I'd want to leave my readers with hopes for a happy ending and positive future for themselves too. Overall, I really enjoyed this young coming of age story. And I think my own middle school self might really have benefitted, might have learned some things for/about myself, from something like it. I may not be a convert to this age-range of books, but I liked and would definitely recommend this one.

“…sometimes I’m lonely and I don’t know why.”

"Here's the thing. When you're little, you can be friends with anyone. And then when you're older, everything changes. One day you turn around and your friends feel like aliens to you, and you feel like an alien to them. Even worse, you're like an alien to yourself, too."

"Messing up / and still trying again, / I'd say finally, That's / the most human thing I know"

"I kind of can't believe this. I've never heard my mom say she did something wrong. I think her way of being the strong one also meant always being right."

"Maybe being magic isn't about being perfect [ ...] Maybe it's taking all the imperfect moments and still making something great. And when things are tough, when something goes wrong, I don't want to choke or run away or give up, or pretend it's okay when it's not, or pretend that I'm someone I'm not, or shove all the stars into a jar. Instead, I want to say, I am who I am. it is what it is. And I get to decide what I'm gonna do next."

"It's scary, letting people in. Maybe the scariest thing on the planet. But you know what? I want this goofy, messy girl to feel the way she makes me feel. And that's worth doing something scary."

"I think I like being more questions than answers. I think I find the mystery delicious."

Content Warnings

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just_one_more_paige's reviews 1457 reviews

just_one_more_paige's reviews
1457 reviews